judging out loud

The big guy, gone too soon…

I woke this am remembering a friend who passed 1 yr ago today, I grinned when I remembered Smiley and gave a nod to heaven.

Then this afternoon I got additional news that I wasn’t expecting…someone else dear to me was gone too soon.
CB was the 1st face I saw every morning for 16yrs, he helped me negotiate my 1st car, he never turned away if I asked for help, he put up with my crazy 20s and I handled his “ride home calls” that was the 4th recap for the day, he’s the reason I have a Chicago accent or tried to anyway, he’s one of the reasons I know the moving industry so well. I laughed and fought with him and I looked forward to it every day, ok some days I made him march down to his office for a time out because we needed it!
I missed him daily when I moved to FL. I knew if I needed a dose I could call 1st thing in the morning and he would greet me with an “Eh dare kid, Ow yew doin”. We’ d shoot the shit and then carry on.
My heart is heavy with sadness because he’s passed on to say “Eh dare” to the angels.
His heart was legendary, he was stubborn, he was funny and he wasn’t just some guy I worked for, he was family.
RIP big guy, love Irish fighter mouse!



He shows up…

…at unexpected times. I feel like I have moved on and he pops into view or thought when I least expect it.

It warms my heart that he pays attention.

But then sinks into longing and sadness that he is not mine.

I have to remind myself it is better to have him in my life as a supportive friend then not at all.

Ugh, when will the like enter my life that I may claim as my own.

He just shows up…

GFY Department…

…I wish there was a default button on life that you could send people to the GFY department. Similar to the big red staples button to hit and “end scene”.


When one is being ignorant or you just dont have time for stupid; there needs to be a referral to hand out for GFY.

Or a sign to wave, an app to download or just in general a rule of thumb that people be quarantined to the GFY department when douche baggery is occuring!

Every day is a battle, some you win and some you just survive to fight again the next day…

Work, social, personal, family…all of the things in my life.

Work I spend most of my time at, family I love and want to embrace more, social is where I go to hang and just release with friends, then finally personal is if I get time, time to heal.

Well I’ll bang this out.

First battle is work, 40+hours a week just like most peeps. Managing 2 offices is not ideal but I’ve been doing it for 2.5 years. Every day is a battle with where my bar is set and how some of my coworkers are below the bar and I’m trying to stay at my bar so I dont lose my integrity. It’s a constant back and forth fixing or damage controlling. I love most parts of my job but it would be great if everyone else could do their part too. We are now short staffed and even though I was always doing someone else’s job, I was able to delegate some of my responsibilities this summer. It was an improvement from last summer’s hell. But now that we have fired the albatross that was a mistake and cost us the summer I’ve got less of his mistakes to fix but now 50% more responsibility to handle his entire position as well as now I cant delegate. That other 50% is being done by the person I delegated to. We are closing our 2nd office so in a couple weeks I wont have to deal with my headache from them so my entire focus will just be on one office. It’s actually a relief but that other office was so much of my time and I will kinda miss it, maybe, not so much after awhile. I work with some selfish people who have self proposed importance and dont do right by the team just self. Maybe with the other office gone I can spend more time motivating the one I’m in so we can work better as a unit.

Second battle is family, I miss them. But I dont miss the daily struggle of difference in opinion or gumption level. I try my best to live my life to be an asset and care about those all around me. I try to make sure that the choices I make dont directly impact my family and if they do its in a positive way. I can’t say the same for some of my family. The responsibility and accountability level is lacking, at least according to my bar. I dont know where I find my level of expectations but I feel as though if everyone were at that level life would be better. Not everyone agrees and they dont have to, as long as they can self contain and sustain without a negative recourse on the rest of the family. Again this is a battle when you have blood vs blood and everyone is their own person, right or wrong. Not living near them has alleviated some of the battle but I feel distraught that I ran from the madness instead of continuing the constant battle of “oh you are going to do what you want but I guess I will clean up the mess”.

Third is social, this is a big network for me. I have made lots of friends throughout the years. Some are close-close and I have my core five, but others are close and I feel lift my spirit, then I have acquaintances that are just fun. My core five became exhausting and I found I lived for them and not for me. I watched them move on in stages of life and I stayed the one monotone me, always the friend that was there. I had my own demons that they helped me through but I felt compelled to hold a lot back because I could handle my own shit. Especially since I was busy helping them handle theirs. I do have meaningful friendships with them but it’s ok to be apart and know at any point you will be there again one day. The other friends I have that lift my spirit are ones I’ve gathered in odd places over time. They are like gems you take out and cherish every once in a while because they are someone else’s core five and I cant be selfish. Then I have my acquaintances; we have great times together and it’s fun but not deep enough to get below the surface of what a real friendship is because we are just there to mutually let go for the moment. I’m working on finding another network of friends now but not sure how close I will let them get. I’m not sure of what level of social I want to be, that is my current battle.

Lastly is personal battle of mind, body and spirit. I battle health, what I allow my mind to create and my spirit of life every day. My health is improving because I took a stand, for myself, for my future me. I have been eating healthier, dropping weight and more active, I have a goal. This health battle is a struggle and I got this. It’s an even harder battle if work, family or social are in angst because my solve on the wound is food. I am doing ok so far, and after 4 months I am motivated still! My mind is a battle at work and socially, its exhausting but I’m trying to do better at work and set boundaries for myself that allow my mind to still have enough power after to be social. My spirit is something that dips but I have my bff, M1, my mom and a couple of those friends to help me keep it glowing. It’s a battle but I win most days, especially now that my health is improving!

Everyone has a battle to fight daily and mine are no more important than anyone else’s. However they are mine and I will not give up until my final battle takes me to the unknown. Hopefully that is when I’m old and grey and sitting next to my bff and M1 on a porch looking up at the stars.

So we’re gonna give the south a real shot… hi

Ever been stuck in a rutt and realize 2 years later that you were meant to experience more but you let something consume your life and it was at a standstill?

Yeah that was my bff and I. We have lived down here for 2 years now and don’t get me wrong we have had some good times. But we also failed at some of our goals, like making new friends and experiencing new and exciting things.

The bff wanted to move home a year in and it took her months to figure out that she was going to go back. Her reasons are her own. I was disappointed and in my head (maybe even out loud sometimes) judgy about why she was leaving. But I truly understood and was trying to be supportive.

I may not have got it out right.

I want my bff to be happy and if moving home does that great, but outside looking in, I could see that’s not the answer.

No matter where a person lives it’s what you make of it while you’re there. You have to make the effort and try because the easy way doesnt always work and won’t satisfy the desires and goals you have.

I have moments where I want to go back home. I miss my family and friends a lot. Some of the core friends are getting married and some are having kids soon. I want to be a part of that but my gut tells me I’m not ready yet.

I also know that I feel like I need to go home to help my mom and maybe make her life less stressful. I worry about her a lot. I know that a mothers children will always be a worry to her but at some point they grow up and become responsible humans and some of the worry goes away. I feel like mom hasn’t experienced that less worry yet because all 3 of her children, including myself, still cause her great worry. I feel like if I move home I can take some of that worry from her, maybe, hopefully.

I tried to explain this to M1, my sister. She told me I wasn’t allowed to move home unless I lived for myself and not mom or anyone else.

Somewhere along my life line I became the hub of my core group and my family. I feel responsible for them. I feel like all at the same time that if I am there for them and help them then I can also avoid working on me.

I digress…back to giving FL a try.

So for most of year 2 here I was trying to prepare myself for the bff to go home and for me to find a new roommate and if that didn’t work I was interviewing condos.

I tried not to be bitter when the bff was mentally already home and I felt she was just biding her time here. I eventually told her my thoughts and said if you want to go so bad just go and I’ll figure it out. But if you are going to be here, then be here and live in the moment. You can’t fix your happy unless you fix what you think is wrong with you.

So that convo was a bit more in depth and emotional and I’m pretty sure she was upset with me. I am known to share my opinions but with her moving back I didn’t want to guilt trip her into staying or push her away even further. I tried to be supportive, I hope it came off that way because I know I can be a bitch.

So I resigned myself that the bff was going home and we even gave it a date. I told her I needed 90 days to officially find a roommate or another condo. September was the proverbial month but we set October 1st as the day so I could start July 1st looking.

Well half way through June I was at dad’s for Padres day and he mentioned I should look for an app that sponsored roommates. I thought that was a grand idea. So indeed when I looked I found one and set it up. I wouldn’t go all official on my social media until July 1st but I was excited to see it this app would work.

A week went by and the bff said she needed to talk, I had been home with a cold so it wasn’t ideal timing she said but she needed to share her thoughts. I was like lay it on me.

She says “I don’t think I, we have given FL a fair shot”.

Huh ok this is interesting.

So we chatted and we talked about how she took a look at her reasons and evaluated more deeply why she wanted to move home and she came to the conclusion she hadn’t tried hard enough and thinks we both need to work on our goals.

I was jumping for fucking joy inside!

My bff was trying to tell me she was staying for now with further evaluation the beginning of next year.

I was trying to figure out for months how I was going to live without my bff. I know that when I moved down here I was coming without her. But when she decided to come too I was like hellyeah. But when she started talking about going back I was sad and started to realize that my bff was a big part of my life and I didn’t know what I was going to do. I would be ok but having her go sucked.

So, she and I are giving FL a fair shot. We have already started to eat healthier, we actually went to our pool in the community for the 1st time. We chatted with neighbors, some were cool and we learned some you just should wave to!

She looked for an activity we both like and signed us up for a bags league that starts in Aug. And we are building our own bags set so we can invite some neighbors over to play and BBQ.

We got this and I can’t wait to see where stepping outside our comfort zone takes us when we give the south a fair shot!

Language barrier manipulation = horrible human…

People who take advantage of those who don’t speak the same language because they can spin it to disguise their treachery are despicable humans…shame on those people.
NO…shame on them for being manipulative assholes because it’s not just a manner of a language barrier…these people are horrible humans that do it to everyone equally.

I just hope that karma swings back around and slaps them with bad juju to consume them.

Be a good human

Friendship rollercoasters

So the CO bff put out on the FACE that she was prego, miscarried and then because of that they found cancer. When they went in to take out where they thought the cancer is they closed her back up immediately because it’s way worse then it was assumed.

She goes into a specialist this coming Thursday to see what can be done…hysterectomy or chemo or both.

I’m not happy how I found out…I’m upset she turned away from me because she blamed me for helping M take puppers…I’m pissed she felt she couldn’t talk to me about what she was going thru…I know friends argue and don’t get along all the time…but she was preggo and didn’t tell me…she went under the knife and didn’t tell me…I’m supposed to be her bff, future maid of honor…and she puahed me away…and I’m pissed that instead of me being able to support her and talk about things with her…our first conversation was after I found out how close to death she is…on social media.

And in that conversation we had to hash out some shit just so we could focus on her health…I know it’s not fixed…I know our friendship will never be the same…I’m hurt…and what sux is it brings back memories of M1 and what she went thru and how close this shit is to everyone and I have no control.

And I feel selfish for being upset with her because I feel petty about it…and I feel stupid…I just want my partner in crime back but she has changed and I don’t necessarily like the person she is all the time right now…but my heart and memories remember her from before.

Do I let go or hold onto something that may never come back to me…


Ultimately everything in life is a series of choices.

You choose what you eat, wear, do the right or wrong thing, who you are friends with, where you work and if you go through life on your own merit or others.

So many choices and how do you choose. You would think for the most part all the choices we make should be easy. Be kind, honorable and to be a good human.

I struggle with the phrase “common sense”. I find what I think is common sense is not so much common. I get in trouble with that phrase when speaking to others because when the result I’m looking for is not met, I ask why and the answer I get is off the wall in my opinion. That’s just it, my opinion. Ugh, my bar is very high I’m told. I hold my friends and family to this level of bar and I think it’s the standard people should live by. Yet again I find most people fall short of my setting theory.

I ponder if I ask too much or expect too much. I’m sure most people think I do.

I have a placard at work that says “lowering my expectations has succeeded beyond my wildest dreams”. At 1st I got that from my bff as a joke because I realized my currant employeement doesn’t reach my bar. So I thought if I lowered my bar I would be less stressed. I would just relax and know that things are getting done but they are out of my control if they are not done to the level in which I expect. I told myself it’s ok, if everyone else around me thinks this lower level is acceptable than maybe I should calm down. She found the saying at a wine shop and got it for me as a joke. I laughed and then got sad because I lowered my bar…I was letting myself down.

NO, that just didn’t work for me…ok maybe it did for about 3 days…but then I found myself stressed about the lack of quality everyone else was complacent about. Not for nothing, my integrity was in question and why was I allowing subpar activities to commence.

I raised my bar back to the appropriate level and keep fighting every day to use my voice and opinions to make it known if I don’t agree and won’t just comply. Making waves doesn’t always work and I can go too far…but I would rather make my own waves instead of try to surf someone else’s.

So I choose to keep my integrity and use my common sense to do good things. They may sometimes be hard choices but I make the choice to not take the easy route.

Arrogant ass bulldozes the convo to save his pride…

Integrity, find some.

You’re wasting my time and treated me like a child yesterday so I don’t have to listen to you and I don’t care, he says.

Well, act like a child and I shall treat you like one.

Karma is a bitch and a beautiful thing.

Defelct by calling my integrity and work ethic on the table so that we may not notice or further realize you are lazy and straight up don’t care about anyone except yourself.

How dare you assume things and have the audacity to throw hate at me because you didn’t do your job.

On my day off I do everything in my power to help and assist you with an issue. Then you take the easy way out and leave it in my lap to figure out. Knowing the whole time it was in your capacity to complete and accomplish the very task you asked for me to help with.

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

You’ve got one, there won’t be a twice. I’ve got you pegged, the moment we met. I gave you the benefit of the doubt and you failed me.

Which in turn will break your fall later when you realize that I am the bridge and you just burned it.

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