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Morgana

judging out loud

So we’re gonna give the south a real shot…

Ever been stuck in a rutt and realize 2 years later that you were meant to experience more but you let something consume your life and it was at a standstill?

Yeah that was my bff and I. We have lived down here for 2 years now and don’t get me wrong we have had some good times. But we also failed at some of our goals, like making new friends and experiencing new and exiting things.

The bff wanted to move home a year in and it took her months to figure out that she was going to go back. Her reasons are her own. I was disappointed and in my head (maybe even out loud sometimes) judgy about why she was leaving. But I truly understood and was trying to be supportive.

I may not have got it out right.

I want my bff to be happy and if moving home does that great, but outside looking in, I could see that’s not the answer.

No matter where a person lives it’s what you make of it while you’re there. You have to make the effort and try because the easy way doesnt always work and won’t satisfy the desires and goals you have.

I have moments where I want to go back home. I miss my family and friends a lot. Some of the core friends are getting married and some are having kids soon. I want to be a part of that but my gut tells me I’m not ready yet.

I also know that I feel like I need to go home to help my mom and maybe make her life less stressful. I worry about her a lot. I know that a mothers children will always be a worry to her but at some point they grow up and become responsible humans and some of the worry goes away. I feel like mom hasn’t experienced that less worry yet because all 3 of her children, including myself, still cause her great worry. I feel like if I move home I can take some of that worry from her, maybe, hopefully.

I tried to explain this to M1, my sister. She told me I wasn’t allowed to move home unless I lived for myself and not mom or anyone else.

Somewhere along my life line I became the hub of my core group and my family. I feel responsible for them. I feel like all at the same time that if I am there for them and help them then I can also avoid working on me.

I digress…back to giving FL a try.

So for most of year 2 here I was trying to prepare myself for the bff to go home and for me to find a new roommate and if that didn’t work I was interviewing condos.

I tried not to be bitter when the bff was mentally already home and I felt she was just biding her time here. I eventually told her my thoughts and said if you want to go so bad just go and I’ll figure it out. But if you are going to be here, then be here and live in the moment. You can’t fix your happy unless you fix what you think is wrong with you.

So that convo was a bit more in depth and emotional and I’m pretty sure she was upset with me. I am known to share my opinions but with her moving back I didn’t want to guilt trip her into staying or push her away even further. I tried to be supportive, I hope it came off that way because I know I can be a bitch.

So I resigned myself that the bff was going home and we even gave it a date. I told her I needed 90 days to officially find a roommate or another condo. September was the proverbial month but we set October 1st as the day so I could start July 1st looking.

Well half way through June I was at dad’s for Padres day and he mentioned I should look for an app that sponsored roommates. I thought that was a grand idea. So indeed when I looked I found one and set it up. I wouldn’t go all official on my social media until July 1st but I was excited to see it this app would work.

A week went by and the bff said she needed to talk, I had been home with a cold so it wasn’t ideal timing she said but she needed to share her thoughts. I was like lay it on me.

She says “I don’t think I, we have given FL a fair shot”.

Huh ok this is interesting.

So we chatted and we talked about how she took a look at her reasons and evaluated more deeply why she wanted to move home and she came to the conclusion she hadn’t tried hard enough and thinks we both need to work on our goals.

I was jumping for fucking joy inside!

My bff was trying to tell me she was staying for now with further evaluation the beginning of next year.

I was trying to figure out for months how I was going to live without my bff. I know that when I moved down here I was coming without her. But when she decided to come too I was like hellyeah. But when she started talking about going back I was sad and started to realize that my bff was a big part of my life and I didn’t know what I was going to do. I would be ok but having her go sucked.

So, she and I are giving FL a fair shot. We have already started to eat healthier, we actually went to our pool in the community for the 1st time. We chatted with neighbors, some were cool and we learned some you just should wave to!

She looked for an activity we both like and signed us up for a bags league that starts in Aug. And we are building our own bags set so we can invite some neighbors over to play and BBQ.

We got this and I can’t wait to see where stepping outside our comfort zone takes us when we give the south a fair shot!

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Language barrier manipulation = horrible human…

People who take advantage of those who don’t speak the same language because they can spin it to disguise their treachery are despicable humans…shame on those people.
NO…shame on them for being manipulative assholes because it’s not just a manner of a language barrier…these people are horrible humans that do it to everyone equally.

I just hope that karma swings back around and slaps them with bad juju to consume them.

Be a good human
PEACE

Friendship rollercoasters

So the CO bff put out on the FACE that she was prego, miscarried and then because of that they found cancer. When they went in to take out where they thought the cancer is they closed her back up immediately because it’s way worse then it was assumed.

She goes into a specialist this coming Thursday to see what can be done…hysterectomy or chemo or both.

I’m not happy how I found out…I’m upset she turned away from me because she blamed me for helping M take puppers…I’m pissed she felt she couldn’t talk to me about what she was going thru…I know friends argue and don’t get along all the time…but she was preggo and didn’t tell me…she went under the knife and didn’t tell me…I’m supposed to be her bff, future maid of honor…and she puahed me away…and I’m pissed that instead of me being able to support her and talk about things with her…our first conversation was after I found out how close to death she is…on social media.

And in that conversation we had to hash out some shit just so we could focus on her health…I know it’s not fixed…I know our friendship will never be the same…I’m hurt…and what sux is it brings back memories of M1 and what she went thru and how close this shit is to everyone and I have no control.

And I feel selfish for being upset with her because I feel petty about it…and I feel stupid…I just want my partner in crime back but she has changed and I don’t necessarily like the person she is all the time right now…but my heart and memories remember her from before.

Do I let go or hold onto something that may never come back to me…

Choices

Ultimately everything in life is a series of choices.

You choose what you eat, wear, do the right or wrong thing, who you are friends with, where you work and if you go through life on your own merit or others.

So many choices and how do you choose. You would think for the most part all the choices we make should be easy. Be kind, honorable and to be a good human.

I struggle with the phrase “common sense”. I find what I think is common sense is not so much common. I get in trouble with that phrase when speaking to others because when the result I’m looking for is not met, I ask why and the answer I get is off the wall in my opinion. That’s just it, my opinion. Ugh, my bar is very high I’m told. I hold my friends and family to this level of bar and I think it’s the standard people should live by. Yet again I find most people fall short of my setting theory.

I ponder if I ask too much or expect too much. I’m sure most people think I do.

I have a placard at work that says “lowering my expectations has succeeded beyond my wildest dreams”. At 1st I got that from my bff as a joke because I realized my currant employeement doesn’t reach my bar. So I thought if I lowered my bar I would be less stressed. I would just relax and know that things are getting done but they are out of my control if they are not done to the level in which I expect. I told myself it’s ok, if everyone else around me thinks this lower level is acceptable than maybe I should calm down. She found the saying at a wine shop and got it for me as a joke. I laughed and then got sad because I lowered my bar…I was letting myself down.

NO, that just didn’t work for me…ok maybe it did for about 3 days…but then I found myself stressed about the lack of quality everyone else was complacent about. Not for nothing, my integrity was in question and why was I allowing subpar activities to commence.

I raised my bar back to the appropriate level and keep fighting every day to use my voice and opinions to make it known if I don’t agree and won’t just comply. Making waves doesn’t always work and I can go too far…but I would rather make my own waves instead of try to surf someone else’s.

So I choose to keep my integrity and use my common sense to do good things. They may sometimes be hard choices but I make the choice to not take the easy route.

Arrogant ass bulldozes the convo to save his pride…

Integrity, find some.

You’re wasting my time and treated me like a child yesterday so I don’t have to listen to you and I don’t care, he says.

Well, act like a child and I shall treat you like one.

Karma is a bitch and a beautiful thing.

Defelct by calling my integrity and work ethic on the table so that we may not notice or further realize you are lazy and straight up don’t care about anyone except yourself.

How dare you assume things and have the audacity to throw hate at me because you didn’t do your job.

On my day off I do everything in my power to help and assist you with an issue. Then you take the easy way out and leave it in my lap to figure out. Knowing the whole time it was in your capacity to complete and accomplish the very task you asked for me to help with.

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

You’ve got one, there won’t be a twice. I’ve got you pegged, the moment we met. I gave you the benefit of the doubt and you failed me.

Which in turn will break your fall later when you realize that I am the bridge and you just burned it.

He visited again in my dream-mare…

I saw him recently live and in action instead of just in my thoughts or virtually. My heart doesn’t know how to separate wanting to be his only when he sees me as his friendly.

We hugged in person and now my dreams create other scenarios where we embrace again, longer with lingering longing.

For brief moments he looks at me like I look at him and then his eyes shift back to chummy sisterly expressions.

His humor, laugh, intelligence and drive remind my brain that my heart beats for him.

My dreams are more nightmares when he visits them because when I wake and cognitive reasoning appears, he is gone.

Dream-mares are a thing that my subconscious pushes rudley through my REM.

I try not think about him, but he is a friend. I cherish his friendship, but I’m not being honest and sharing my truth with him.

I can’t though, he is happy with his only and I will be forever the friendly.

Dream-mares are my reality…

7 states in 90 hours: FL CO WY NE IA IL FL…thats what sisters do…

Fly into CO late Thursday night from FL

CO Bff picks me and snack size (IL) up.

Pow wow at nearby hotel for 7 hours because we have to drop the CO Bff at the airport at the ass crack of wtf.

Bitter sweat wave goodbye to CO Bff as you leave her at the airport. She is flying towards her new heart and I’m about to go help the pained old one, my bro, M.

Catch one more hour of sleep at the hotel because you only have 2 under your belt.

Head north to M’ s place with snack size and mentally prepare to pack up his stuff, rub his back while he cries because the end of his relationship is here and the CO Bff has moved on without him. It took 2 to get to this point, but they are just violent together. It’s for the best even though it feels like he is being stabbed in his left nut sack.

CO Bff has changed, people change, people grow, she is different and I don’t know if it’s a good or bad thing…i do know she is not the same as when we were close. 4 years can do that, Create and commence change.

Rent the moving truck, pack up randomness that is creating painful memories for M. Snack size and I are being patient but have a deadline for when labor arrives.

Thank God for snack size…i will say this 13 more times throughout the rest of this trip.

Trucks loaded, M will fly back Monday while we hit the road today, Friday and hope to make it back to the windy city by Saturday night.

In the truck with us is M and CO bff’s puppers that I’ve been asked to take back with me by M. This upsets CO bff but i ask to not be put in the middle and i shouldn’t have to choose…and I promised to make it right by making sure CO Bff gets puppers back in a couple 2 tree months.

Us 3 drive back with one stop at a hotel because my eyes were crossed. The great plains are deemed shameful to us by the end of our trip…its a damn shame we gotta drive through all that nothingness that feels never ending. I’m sure beautiful in the summer, winter and snow, not so much. Add in killer wasps in the truck, we discover later they are coming from a nest in the door.

We arrive to moms and snack size and I part ways. There are no words to ever explain how much I appreciate that she went on that journey with me. It was a 47 hour journey that was easier with her there.

Sunday is unload day of M’s stuff into his apartment and moms garage…yes moms garage which has turned into a storage unit by M1, sister. And now it’s complete with both M1 and M baggage.

Got to hang out with my boyz that I miss very much while they unload the truck. Greatful to have them as friends too.

Sunday night spent with M1 and mom…best part!

Monday I fly back south, my sisterly duty complete.

My 90 hour trip consisted of friends, moving, driving, family, physically and mentally exhausting moments, laughter, crying and peace.

CO Bff isn’t talking to me right now and I understand, she can be upset, I did what M asked me to do, I took puppers. Who knows if our friendship will ever be the same but I will always be around…i thought she would too…its ok either way. We both have a path to walk and while we were on the same path our journey was amazing. I hope we meet long the path again some way, but for now I go here and she goes there and our memories are everywhere.

Comfort zone…

3/3/16 “I made a decision that changes what I know as my comfort zone and taking a step towards a new adventure and the unknown that is hopefully something I will succeed at…this is scary as hell but I’m excited to see what new tomfoolery I can get into…I’m headed south peeps…FL bound end of April to see what it’s like to have the sun on my FACE year round!”

I wrote that 2 years ago today. I was scared and excited and hopeful. I still can’t believe sometimes that I not only moved out of my mom’s  (long story to why I was still there at 34, and no I wasn’t a creepy basement dweller) but moved 1200 miles away. 

When I graduated Highschool I had always had this far fetched dream of moving to FL and living by the beach with a pool and running my own graphics shop.

Well I do have a graphics degree, I do live in FL and I’m 45 mins from a beach and I go to my dads an hour south to swim in his pool! However, I run a moving company, not a graphics shop.

I am a Manager, officially Sales and Marketing Manager. However I have this small issue of not being able to just stay the small cog in the wheel. I have a high bar of expectations and this leads me to butt in where I’m not technically supposed to be because it’s someone else’s job. Even when I try to stay out of something there is this gremlin inside of me that jumps up and has me walking towards the issue to help solve before I even know it. Then I’m in deep and already taking charge or trying to assist or enabling the other/actual small cogs in their job. 

I like living in FL, I’m lonely sometimes; especially when the Bff goes home to visit for weeks at a time. This time she’s only been gone 2 days and I already feel it. It might have something to do with the fact that I know she is 98% out the door to move home and this feeling will be an every day thing if I don’t try and make friends outside of the work place.

I’m at another cross roads of sort now, do I stay in FL where I have a decent job that just gave me a raise to help put up with the B.S., plus I like my place. Although in order to stay there I need a room mate. Or do I move back home because that is the easy thing to do. I want to stay, but I too miss my family and network of friends I had up there. 

Tomorrow I take a chance and go outside of my comfort zone. I have joined an app that helps you make friends. I thought this was something me and the Bff would do together. But so far it didn’t work out. I took the opportunity to do it while she was gone so I wouldn’t feel so lonely but also I should probably get used to her not being here. It makes me sad that she wants to leave, but I understand.

So tomorrow at noon I go to meet up with 8 other ladies that want to be friends, if we click, and that are looking just like me.

Wish me luck to finding and building a new network, it’s outside of my comfort zone, but somebody’s got to do it!

PEACE 

Opposite to Positive

smile when all ya wanna do is frown…laugh when all ya wanna do is cry…dance when all ya wanna do is be still…speak when all ya wanna do is be quiet…

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